Nothing in my life matters anymore. Jordan was my motivation for everything. I worked hard to provide for him; I lived better because he was watching; he motivated me to be my best self and I wanted the best world for him-- now now he’s gone.
On the other hand, everything matters— matters with urgency and matters exponentially more than before. Every second is precious, every experience to be cherished, and each opportunity golden. How is it possible to live in both of these realities?
I’m not sure. But I am.
I am angry that people have seemingly moved on. That they have the luxury to do so. That they are back to business as usual and that I am so alone is this sadness.
On the other hand, I am so grateful that the people I love are able to be happy. Changed forever, but happy. Why shouldn’t they be? Life does go on. People are resilient. Myself included. Only difference is—I will never move on.
Monday, I visited the cemetery on my way to work. I never go in the morning, but felt compelled to. I watched myself from the outside--as if in a dream state. I felt sorry for this mom, on that foggy morning. Leaving the only set of footprints in the snow before she knelt for a while. And I thought, for everyone who did not have to start their morning here, today is a good day.
Ironically, after my visit to Jordan’s grave, I too had a good day.
I’m not sure why. But I did.