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It Would be Perfect

10/21/2018

1 Comment

 
by Liz Johnston
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​I don’t need an anniversary date to remind me of what I’ve lost. And I don’t need an anniversary date to commemorate my son’s life. Recognizing an anniversary is just a way to mark the passage of time, and what is time but an illusion of control? After controlling so many aspects of Jordan’s life, in the end, I had no control in saving it.

Still, I wanted to spend my time very intentionally on October 19th. I planned a small gathering for the evening: share a meal together, look at hundreds of pictures of Jordan, remember him and tell stories before sending lit lanterns into the night sky at the beach. It would be perfect. And it was. But not as I expected.

At the beach, the warm wind and the moon shadows swirled around us in anticipation as I read a short poem I’d just written for the occasion. Each of us unwrapped our paper lanterns-- eager to send our messages of love up into the heavens, messages temporarily thwarted by the warm winds that made it almost impossible to light the lanterns. We needed a new plan and so we strategized. Everyone huddled around the one lantern that took to fire, blocking the wind so that the lantern could fill with hot air and rise as we’d hoped.


We waited, wished, and then giddy with anticipation, we let it go! It rose for seconds before being ripped dramatically away by the wind, then bounced across the beach like flaming tumbleweed. We howled with laughter at our botched attempt. But determined, we started again. This time, post huddle, we managed to get one lantern into the moonlit sky...we had high hopes and cheered for it as it soared. But together we cringed in fear as it too was ripped away and headed for a nearby tree. Once it was clear there was no danger of a forest fire, we again erupted in laughter.  It was at this moment the police came and we scattered back to our cars.

It was not the celebration I had planned for Jordan. I had absolutely no control over the elements, but despite the elements, I know that Jordan received our messages of love. The levity and laughter on such a heavy day proved to be the perfect celebration of Jordan’s life. One I am sure he wanted for us all.

​I don’t need an anniversary date to remind me of what I’ve lost. And I don’t need an anniversary date to commemorate my son’s life. But apparently we all needed to celebrate Jordan’s life together, on that beach, at that time, as a reminder to be grateful for laughter-- especially when the wind whisks away your plans.
1 Comment

No Ordinary Love

10/19/2018

4 Comments

 
by Liz Johnston
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One year ago today I made a promise to Jordan. I told him I’d keep breathing without him here. To say that I miss him, or that it hurts, just sounds small and silly. Some days I actually struggle for air--my shallow breathing feels like the pain is alive and gnawing at what’s left of the heart inside my chest. But I have learned some new breathing techniques that help a little.

Other days while breathing quite nicely, unremarkably, a surprise reminder comes along delivering a sucker punch to the gut that knocks the wind right out of me. On those days I look at pictures of Jordan, talk to him, write, meditate, pray. Whatever keeps me breathing through the sneak attack.

And then there are the days I have no choice but to endure breathing through the horrid, wounded animal sounds of crying that belong to a grieving mother--the sounds and the woman both unrecognizable to myself. I usually rock myself through those moments, just feeling, until my breath returns.

How have I managed to keep breathing when the person I love more than air is no longer here? How? I have only one explanation. Love. Love is all. Love is everything. And Jordan’s love is so powerful, it can do anything. Including what I never thought possible--it has allowed me to live without him. That is extraordinary love!

Jordan’s love is far and wide; signs of it are everywhere. I don’t need others to believe in this, but Jordan shows me the number 38 at least a dozen times a day--often when I am sad or worried. Because I asked him to. You can chalk it up to coincidence, or the desperate need of a mother who misses her son. But I know otherwise. Those close to me are in on it as well; they experience the signs. Numbers, birds, sunsets, the sound of whistles, smells, elevator doors, songs, all signs of his big bright love.

Jordan’s love shines through all of the people he cared about. I see it all around me. His family near and far, his friends, the kids he coached, taught and loved, the colleagues he worked alongside. His love has worked its way into the lives of total strangers. Because of Jordan, people are getting healthy. They are forgiving easier. Loving more openly. Appreciating what matters. Doing what scares them. His love will have a ripple effect for all of the kids helped through Dominate the Day Foundation. His love is absolutely unending.

We are all infinitely better for having known Jordan. I am so grateful for these stories people share with me. What mother wouldn’t want to hear about the wonderful ways her son has impacted the lives of others? What mother wouldn’t want to hear about the lessons of love left behind by her child? I sure do. They make me so proud to call myself his mother.

Yes, Jordan’s life was way too short for us. But it was a beautiful, rich life worthy of celebration. A life I will celebrate today, tomorrow and everyday. With love. Because love is all. Love is everything. Love keeps me breathing.
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No part of the publication within may be reproduced without the prior written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations that are properly cited. For permission requests, write to Liz@dominatethedayfoundation.org
  • Home
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    • Mission & Vision
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