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Love and Grief....a Series of Firsts and Lasts

12/6/2017

4 Comments

 
by Liz Johnston

I’ve been thinking about love as a series of firsts:
​the first time I saw my baby,

the first time I held and kissed him,
the first time I heard him cry,
the first time he called me mama,
the first birthday candle, (yes, I have this)
the first mother’s day card,
the first time he said, “I love you”
his first Christmas....

I’ve been thinking about grief as a series of lasts:
the last time I saw my son,
the last time I ever held and kissed him,
the last time I heard him cry,
the last time I’d ever be called mom,
the last birthday candle, (I have this too)
the last mother’s day card,
the last time he said “I love you”                     
his last Christmas....
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This week I’ve had to contend with several significant firsts and lasts. For example, I attended what was likely to be the last Hopkins football banquet for me. It was a moving tribute to the seniors of team 145 who had lost their beloved Coach Sebastian. The same coach who’d earned the season’s first RELENTLESS award for powering through practices and games while terribly ill.

At the banquet the seniors honored Jordan’s father and I with the last RELENTLESS award of the season. Presented with signed game footballs from their last win. Jordan certainly deserved the award more, but our award was a reminder that we will have to be relentless forever to live in this pain, and certainly to accomplish our goals in honor of Jordan’s legacy.

Also significant-- this was the first time I have ever decorated a grave site for Christmas. While my husband and I have decided to just ignore Christmas altogether, I still felt that Jordan’s stone needed to be honored with some holiday cheer. I went there and raked the leaves, selected special Christmas ornaments from his childhood and then arranged them within the greens I’d purchased. It seemed silly at first, “holiday cheer” when he can’t be here to celebrate. And who benefits from cheer at the cemetery anyway?

But it’s my first holiday without him, and that means I don’t really know what is right, what will feel good, or what to do. I just wanted it to look nice; I wanted Jordan to to feel included and know he’ll always be important and remembered. And I wanted those who pass his stone to say “he is loved; he is cared for.”

​The first time Christmas decorating this way naturally makes me recall the last Christmas he was alive. And today--I can’t even go there. A series of firsts and lasts. I’m pretty sure the rest of my life will be marked and measured this way.
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The last time we'd all pick out a Christmas tree together.........
4 Comments
Elicia Kusnitz
12/6/2017 02:24:32 pm

So beautifully written Liz. Thinking of you always and all the firsts you have to endure....😘

Reply
Josie
12/6/2017 03:33:47 pm

My heart hurts for you Liz,
There is no right or wrong way to go through what you are going through.
We do what we have to just to get by each day.
I lost my twin brother 26 years ago and I still feel the loss. I pray for you and your husband.

Reply
Anna Collins
12/6/2017 06:07:52 pm

Oh Liz, I think of you daily I really do. My parents did the same thing every holiday and birthday decorating his grave it gave them purpose and somehow kept Eddie alive. I must say I do not visit the cemetery very often seeing all three of them there is a bit much. From what I see and hear (at times I ask Lisa how u are) you are strong you are so right about speaking his name we talk about my parents and brother everyday. Like I said to u before there is no right or wrong way to grieve it is different for everyone. I have a friend who lost her daughter 5 years ago, she was 2 years old and was born with a heart condition. Like u she took that horrible tragedy and started a foundation called Gabrielle's heart and hope fund. She has raised so much money that goes to research for this disease and also started a camp in her name where children with heart conditions are able to attend. Your son's life meant something and still does, always will. If u think u would ever like to talk to my friend I know she would talk with you. Know I pray for you and think of you with Love always Anna

Reply
Lynda hall
12/7/2017 10:48:38 am

You write so beautifully Liz...your deep love you have for your son shows in every word. I can't even imagine how difficult these days are, especially this month. But know your family, even if they're far away , love you and pray for you daily

Reply



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No part of the publication within may be reproduced without the prior written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations that are properly cited. For permission requests, write to Liz@dominatethedayfoundation.org
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